Hooks and Hills

I stopped taking my antidepressants about three months ago, and I’ve been going so well. So when I started feeling a bit wobbly mid week, it was more…disappointing than anything else. I wasn’t feeling down, but I was definitely feeling anxious. I was into my forties when I finally realised I’d suffered from anxiety most of my life. Ironically, I learned this during a mental health first aid workshop! We were studying the symptoms, and as PowerPoint revealed them one by one, I silently ticked my own boxes. I had known those things myself, I just hadn’t had name for them. Knowledge is power! And now I know what to do.

I go to my yoga mat. Journal. Remind myself that the self-doubt, mild paranoia and worries racing through my mind are just thoughts – not facts, not dangerous. And I pick up my crochet hook. I was feeling particularly uncomfortable in myself on Wednesday. Unable to settle. Disliking so badly what was going on in my head. I grabbed my hook, and ninety minutes later – all was well?! Amazing!! 

However, I was still a little…subdued. Was my wellness slipping away?  Would the battle ever end? Cleaning out my bedside drawer later that day, I happened upon my box of Crazy Sexy Love Notes. Why not? I drew a card. “You are healing“. Perfect! Because I’m reminded that it’s ok. It’s not happening again. I’m not slipping away. I am healing, and it’s a process. I might always have these times of anxiety – I suspect it’s just how I’m wired. But now, when the discomfort comes, it doesn’t engulf me. It no longer spirals out of control, into something so very much worse. Instead, I know what I need to do to stay well. I am healing.